Life is never dull when you’re depressed. Immeasurably sad often, interspersed with occasional glimpses of hope, and the odd grab of happiness, but dull isn’t on the agenda too regularly. If only it was, mind.
After all, if my life was dull, I’d have nothing to write about today, at least not on here, and would be on my way home from a meet-up that may have helped me really get back on track. Yet now ….. ouch. Nobody to blame but myself either.
It all really started late afternoon yesterday. I was looking forward to meeting up with writers and other people involved in the writing process, with perhaps the chance of putting my face in the frame somewhere, a name to remember if something crops up.
I received a lovely e-mail, too, from someone I met on Wednesday, who told me about this meet-up. As I read through it, however, something flashed in my mind, which I tried to ignore but couldn’t.
I was welcome to come along, and given the time and place to get there. I paid particular attention, however, to something written along the lines of ‘there might not be much of interest to you this month’. Completely understandable, as people may well have been showcasing their work, and I had none. There was a possibility of me being unintentionally sidelined.
Immediately, however, alarm bells went off in my mind, and paranoia set in. They really didn’t want me to go. She’s just sugar coating it but I’m really not wanted there. It’s what I kept thinking.
I tried to counter it. Trying to think I’d been invited to attend, warmly too, and the person who invited me had gone out of her way to do so, as well. It’d also do me good to get away from home for a few hours, and outside the area entirely, a nice change of pace.
With those conflicting thoughts battling in my mind, it’s probably no surprise that my social anxiety began to rear its’ ugly head again. Not knowing anyone except one person I met briefly unnerved me. I kept insisting to myself as I went to bed last night that I was going. Deep down, however, I knew differently.
As this morning came, I was awoken by the pitter-patter of the rain on my window sill. I opened the curtains, took one look, and immediately said “I’m not going out in that!”. Instantly, there was an excuse to hide behind. I’d get drenched. Besides, Saturday is washing day. Can’t neglect the housework, that’s a sure sign of depression winning.
It was all a smokescreen, though, and I knew it, so, as sure as night follows day, I also began to beat myself up for being so stupid about such a simple thing to do. If it was that easy, though, I wouldn’t be here typing this up.
Eventually, after going through the motions of arguing with myself to go or not, I decided it was too late to go now. Perhaps I’ll just go into town. Spend the train money on getting cards done when I do eventually turn up for those business and writing meet-ups. Hiding the chronic lack of confidence in myself by concentrating on periphery.
It’s what it boils down to. Throughout my life I have had absolutely no confidence in myself or my abilities. It’s as strong in me today, this failing, as it has ever been. There’s also only so much help you can get for that.
If I continue to disregard other people being positive about me, shrugging it off as them just trying to be nice, and not give what life skills I have a chance, I’m going to end up 10, 15, 20 years down the line wondering what might have been, and cursing for not giving myself an opportunity to shine.
It’s not much fun being me. At least, though, I did get those cards done. They look pretty cool, even if I do say so. And that book idea? The spidergram’s been done and filled in. Still, what an idiot I’ve been.
Today was a lost opportunity. I may be running out of them but it won’t be the last one I get. I’ll make sure of that after the kerfuffle of the last 24 hours in my head.
It will, however, be the last that I simply throw it away without even trying. I owe it to myself, to my mind, to my path on the highway of good health, to show how I can flourish given the chance. The crisis in confidence has to end some time.
It will, too, just you see.