I had hoped a day like this would come around. Believe? No. Hope? Yes. We all know, mind, that it’s the hope that we can’t stand. At last, though, it’s being vindicated.
I’m getting better.
It’s a number of factors that have come into play. Changes have been brought into my lifestyle. Ironically, with all the therapy and advice I’ve been given, it’s been a subconscious rather than a deliberate effort that has taken me to this stage.
That perhaps is the most pleasing aspect of it all. My mind has been the catalyst for the change and not the words of a book or therapist. Nonetheless the tinkering to my everyday living can be seen by everyone and are numerous.
First off, without really noticing it, has been a change in diet. I was never the best of cooks, going for something quick and convenient, or a number of snacks to get me through the day. E-numbers, sugar, and little time over a stove was the order of the day.
This week, however, has seen me visit the local greengrocer. The fresh veg has been cut and prepared, and meals cooked properly. Even the bread has been fresh from the local baker, and wholemeal, rather than processed white bread from the supermarket.
Mineral water has replaced the fizzy pop, too. Almost. I still can’t resist the odd can of cream soda or Irn Bru, but the odd can is all it’s been, not multi-pint bottles.
A result of this has been three square meals a day and very few hunger pangs in between. The craving for the sugary or caffeine laden products have passed. Physically I feel a tiny bit fitter and better for it.
Another reason why my body feels better as well as my mind is getting out and about. Not just for the daily job search, cv and sense of mild cynicism in hand to pass to each shop owner. No, doing that, and just that, leaves me sometimes with a grey cloud over me on a clear day.
What I’ve done the past fortnight is to take a short trip to a place I really like, not just for the scenery but also the facilities there, and have a wander. I don’t think of anything in particular, just do my own thing in an environment I’m happy in.
It’s worked as well. I feel good as soon as I set foot in the area. It’s a place well out of my financial reach to live at the moment, but then that sets me an ambition to earn enough to be there 24/7. It snowballs all that positive thinking.
To earn enough, of course, I have to find a paid job. In the meantime, though, the voluntary work is coming through thick and fast. That in itself gives you a feelgood factor. Doing something for the benefit of someone else, solely because you want to, does your soul a bit of good.
Other people have given me a boost, too, without realising the effect they have. Yesterday I spoke to someone I hadn’t been in touch with for a while, blanking her out whilst dealing with my demons. I was also selfish enough to speak to her while she was at work, and it’s a job where plenty of people depend on her to be on the ball the whole time.
She, of course, indulged me, and one of the first things she said was “Stay strong.” Now, up until that point, I had in no way thought I was in the least bit strong. I’ve reacted terribly to the loss of a loved one, and unable to do something billions of people over the world achieve with ease every day, work.
Yet, through all that, and all the time my mind telling me how useless I am, how ugly I am, here I am still. In demand for work (whether it’s paid or not, work is work), back to forming relationships with a view to dating, getting out, exercising, feeling better about myself.
After everything my mind has put me through, I guess I have been really strong to get through it, fight it, and start to beat it. One woman, two words, endless wisdom. I will stay strong, too. Even when I look and sound weak, I know that something deep down inside will keep fighting.
So this is where I am at now. At long last, despite the rain and grey clouds outside, that long grey depression cloud has begun to lift from me. The self confidence, the knowledge that I’m getting better, gives me sunshine on a rainy day.
Where do I go from here? Who knows. Physically, therapy next week. In mind and spirit, the setbacks will come, but for the first time this year I feel in control of my mind, of my destiny, of myself.
Have a cheerful weekend. I know, at long last, I will …..