That Letter We Never Send

So here I am, getting ready for work, work for which I’ll actually get paid for.  I can still hardly believe it.  I really felt that, somehow, I was fated never to get my life back in any sort of order again, that I will slowly drift before dying of a broken heart, most probably suicide.  I won’t though.  I’m going to be someone.

Yet it still tinged with sadness.  I cannot share my moment of joy with the one person who I shared my most joyous of times with.  She’s on my mind every day, still, too.

So what to do?  It’s pretty clear to me.  I’ve just written up that letter we never send someone, saying exactly what we feel.  Here’s mine, to my beloved ex.  No alterations, no stopping for pauses.  This is exactly how it came out of me, word for word.

—————

Not that I’ve been keeping record recently.  But it’s been 7 months, 1 week and 6 days since you drove out of my life.

Do you remember it?  I do.  Vividly.  After going so long without seeing me, looking out across the sea, together in each other’s arms, you whispered to me “I’ll never leave you.”

Physically, of course, we know that to be wildly untrue.  In my mind, my heart, and my soul, you have never uttered a truer word in your life.  Two hundred and twenty five days since you whispered those words so tenderly in my ears.  On two hundred and twenty five of those mornings, afternoons, evenings, and late at night, I have thought of you, loved you, and needed you more than ever.

It matters not one bit though.  I know I’ll never see you again, nor feel the warmth of your soul and closeness of our minds ever.  It’s something I have to deal with and move on.  Cold hard logic says forget the past, live in the present, and prepare for the future.

Life, as we know, though, isn’t just made up of doing the right thing.  What makes it a life, rather than an existence, are irrational, impulsive reactions, decisions based on instinct, and living by those decisions whatever the outcome.

Since that fateful day in February I’ve been through the hellish side of making a life changing decision based on heart and soul.  My head told me not to, but something inside me couldn’t help but fall in love with you, completely, and utterly, knowing full well what might happen.

Depression Holding Hands

It did, of course, and the hurt I’ve felt was unimaginable to me.  I’m not talking about tears, or pining for you, like any other heartbreak in the past.  No, this was on another level altogether.  The pain was so acute it was physical – and still is.  I can feel the discomfort in me even now.

It was nothing compared to the long, long days, nights, weeks and months of torment my mind has put me through.  Suicidal thoughts have been an obligatory constant, making plans to end it all always lurking, reduced to howling uncontrollably while the Samaritans tried to talk me away from the brink.

Yet, you know something?  It was worth it.  Every moment of excruciating mental and physical agony I’ve endured since.  Why?  For a fleeting time in my life, I knew what it felt like to love someone so completely, in mind, body and spirit, that I would have done anything, absolutely anything, for you.  Wow, is it intoxicating.  You gave me meaning, purpose, self belief, and you loved me perhaps even more intensely than I did you.

Slowly, but surely, life without you is getting into some order.  I know you will be so, so proud of me.  For I write this on the eve of my new paid job.  The ultimate irony, isn’t it?  All those years job searching so we could have enough money to move in together, and now the day is almost upon us, you’re not here to make the journey, and our lives, complete.

No matter, I know you will feel the same sort of anticipation as I do this very moment.  In a few short hours will be that giant leap forward in my life.  Paying my way.  Other than you, it’s all I ever wanted.  Just you see, my life will become better and better.

It will never be the same, of course.  I’m resigned to feeling that little lump in me.  That feeling of a part of me having died.  It will stay with me until the rest of my body catches up.  You will forever be an integral part of my mind, soul and spirit and even though you’re not here, you really are here.

It’s that which is driving on.  The thought of seeing your face break into that achingly beautiful smile, hearing and seeing of how I’m getting on with my life, is what drives me on.  I’m still doing it for you.  Mostly, though, I’m getting with my life for my sake.  I deserve a little inner happiness and, at this moment, the eve before getting back into work, I’m feeling just a little of it.

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, whatever you are doing, I hope you are happy.  Despite the turmoil of this year, you made me as happy as I never thought possible.  I truly love you still so very, very deeply.  But it’s a different love.  A love of someone I used to be with.

You’re in my past.  Tomorrow begins my future.  Which leaves me living in the moment.  And right now, in spite of everything these past 7 months, 1 week and 6 days, it somehow feels good.  Funny how life works out.

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(PS – I love you)

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